I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
