I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I need moral support for this bender
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
