my mouth tastes like poor choices
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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