Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I lost the right to judge tonight
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
