New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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