My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
