so that wasnt chicken after all
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
