im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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