I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
