Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
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