hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
