I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
