i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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