a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
The ass gains better be worth it
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