I looked at my own cervix.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
