i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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