you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
