I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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