Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
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They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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