There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
