I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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