so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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