It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
