I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My vagina is very pro this idea
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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