Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
