Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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