please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
you made out with another girl for some wings
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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