rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
