Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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