The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize