Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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