she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
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I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
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The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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