I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
