I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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