I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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