I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
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i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
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I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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