Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
