Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
