Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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