I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
