I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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