I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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