Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
