I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
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apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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