This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
