Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
