Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
