Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
