What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
time to smoke my breakfast
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
