My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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