you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
