he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
