Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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