dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
