Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
