God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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