Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
