6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
