my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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