i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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