I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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