I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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